Easier said then done.
I many days feel frazzled and like our life is a ball of chaos waiting to explode. Often at night I like to sit on the couch with mindless tv playing in the background, with Josh beside me and say and do nothing. The chance to not use my mind or have someone clinging to me or having to do something for someone else can be such a break for me.
How selfish am I?
I had made a commitment to blog to my counselor to help relieve the stress while I was in nursing school as a way to out my stress and be a break from the stress that was school. I used to love to write. Loved it. But looking here now the ball was dropped. Because I didn’t want to make time.
Jacoby once again got in trouble for talking at school. I was mad. Again Jacoby?! Again?! How many times do I have to tell you to do your work and not talk. You control yourself and your mouth and need to stop talking during work time at school.
How selfish am I?
Frankly the way of life now is to keep moving. Keep doing. Keep up with life. Which also always keeps moving. As I found out the news this weekend that one of my favorite Super Moms Kate, whom I’ve followed since 2010, had to say goodbye to her 5-year-old Gavin as he gained his wings this weekend, I wept for her, for her other son Brian, and for the fear it invoked in me in regards to Jacoby. And it made me pause.
Here I was Friday and Saturday giving extra kisses and snuggles to my kids, thinking about how great they are and by Monday I’m yelling at Jacoby for getting in trouble and then scolding Kenley for the fact that she has figured out to scream. Nonstop.
Then the bombing. People were in the process of meeting their lifelong goals of finishing the Boston Marathon. An 8-year-old died waiting for his Dad to cross the finish line for the first time.
How selfish am I?
I find myself today thinking of my life and how really really selfish I am. Really. Today as I reminded Jacoby to hold his tongue at school and not get in trouble, I needed to reflect on the fact that he can talk. At one point they thought he may need a trach or never talk. And he talks. A lot. It’s human nature to get annoyed but I also know there are several moms who dream of hearing their children talk. Even if its to say fart and then laugh.
As I was at the gym I was complaining on how much work I have to do for weight loss due to the baby weight I’ve gained (for those of you catching up, yes we added another! Surprise!). Instead I need to say THANK GOD I could carry my blessing and carried them far enough to gain weight.
And as I look at my dishes and house and think about all I need to get done before the new carpet and bathroom tile and then putting it up on the market, at least I have all this and the opportunity to move.
Yes, I’m sure this will be a little too short-lived. I will probably get caught up with working nights, the 3 kids, therapies and life.I’m human. But maybe I take things for granted too much. Maybe I just assume my kids will be there when I get home. That the little kiss I give them wont be my last.
Fact it Tomorrow isn’t promised. Jacoby could have a seizure like Gavin and gain his wings. I could get hit by a car on the way home from work tomorrow and never hold my kids again. Josh could get killed riding his dirt bike. Tomorrow is not a promise. But that makes today an opportunity.
An opportunity to kiss those you love a little longer. To hug tighter. To think about how lucky you are to have dishes to wash. To be thankful your feet hurt because that means you have feet that work.
So I know I’ve said a few extra prayers to God to not only thank him, but ask him for forgiveness for my selfishness. To help me see more around me. To help me be satisfied.
So tonight as I get ready for work and Kenley is throwing her tantrum and Braxton is hungry while Jacoby is making sure I know he knows my name (Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!) I will breathe, smile and just be glad for this ball of chaos.