Strength is also weakness


What is behind that smile?

My love for my kids overflows and makes my world turn. They are my greatest accomplishments and bring me my greatest joy. There is not a thing I wouldn’t do for them to keep them happy and healthy.

I juggle many roles throughout that day. Mom, wife, advocate, banker, maid, taxi, and scheduler.
I am always on point to make sure that Jacoby has everything he needs, that all his meds and medical supplies are ordered, check his feet and back for sore spots and make sure the school is ready for him as I leave him there in their care for the day.

I make a point to ensure I can take the kids to all their appointments and that when I work evenings, food and clothes are taken care of so that Josh doesn’t have to worry about it when he gets home.

I make sure I can be the best person for my kids and my husband and that there is nothing left unanswered or not done that can cause conflict with their day to day lives

Many people say I am the strongest person they know. That they don’t know how I do it. That I was meant to be Jacoby’s mom and that I was given the situation I have because I am the perfect person to handle it.

Do you know how much pressure that is?

Sometimes when you are being so strong for everyone else, you become weak for yourself.

I had a real eye opening conversation today that I want to communicate to many of my special needs parents.

If you are being so strong for everyone else, who is being strong for you?

Fair enough question.

Fact: it is a stressful world. There are moments when I forget to catch my breath because everything has to be done now, nothing can wait. If it is not one thing it’s another. There is always something on the to do list.

When we don’t take care of ourselves, who takes care of us? And if we get sick, do we actually take a break to get better or keep on trucking through?

The one thing that is hard to think about and believe is that it is OK to break. It is OK to not always be ok.
It is ok to cry. It is ok to have a bad day. It is ok to struggle, to get angry, to get jealous, to feel life is unfair. It is OK to FEEL. It is ok to be HUMAN.

I often catch myself allowing others to dictate my mood, expecting me to be happy and funny all the time. I often find myself smiling when I want to be screaming, kicking and yelling at how sad/upset I am.

The issue that we run into when we build up these dams to hold our flooding of feelings back is that we eventually break. And its messy. And overwhelming. And hurts yourself and possibly those around you. You find others surprised that you actually have these moments. So then you go back to old habits and dam everything up again because it’s not what others expect of you. And this time, if the dam gets too tall and too much is behind it, then you walk the plank to depression.

It is hard. Life is like the ebb and flow of the tide. Sometimes the tide is high and you can swim and be free and enjoy. And sometimes it is low and you are just trying not to crash too much into the rocks.

But we are human. And we feel every emotion that everyone else does. And we are allowed to feel them. Whatever started this thought that we have to be a brick wall all the time sets us up for failure for ourselves. And when we aren’t taking care of ourselves we can’t truly take care of those around us we love.

So do me a favor. Have a good cry now and then. Have someone you can vent to. And please allow yourself the right to every emotion that everyone else gets to experience. Life, in every aspect, good or bad, deserves to be lived and not hidden. It is better for you and those around you